Had lunch in a pub in Harrogate yesterday. Went to the men's room. When I came out I said to the guv'nor Oi mate, I wanna complain about your men's room. "Why" he asked. I said every time I go in there it take the piss outta me.
After 3 years divorced I was asked, "Don't you miss her" Yes, says I, but I am taking shooting lessons. Or, Yes, says I, It's just I don't want another dent in my car.
Went to Sainsbury's to get some groceries the other day. The young kid on the checkout said "Would you like a bag? What? said I, I have a wife AND a mother-in -law, what do I need another bag for?
You know when you are getting old when you and your teeth don't sleep together any more
[i]That's enough for now. It's half past stupid "o" clock and I need beauty sleep. I'm so bloody pretty I'll only need 10.000 years worth of sleep[/i]
